(11) It’s not about me.

I told my mom I needed a picture with her for my 30 Thank Yous project so I tried to get Scott to snag a few last night. After each flash, I held out my hand to grab the camera and the second my mom and I both looked at the picture, we made a disgusted look on our face and blurted out ‘ew’ simultaneously. I decided it wasn’t going to work and got up and was ready to put the camera away. I looked up to find that. The most beautiful moments in life are the one’s unplanned. I have no idea what she was laughing at, what she was looking at or what was going through her mind but frankly I didn’t care, she looked happy…she looked beautiful.

I could sit here and tell you how much you mean to me, I could go on and on about how thankful I am for the things you’ve done for me… but, this isn’t about me. This is about you, and the person you are. You have such a beautiful soul and you don’t get enough credit for that. We are all weak, and we are all strong. Were human. But when you are strong, you are one of the strongest woman I know. You hold all of us together, and you did it alone. That will always amaze me. Even if you were protective and controlling with us, it’s because you never gave up on us. It’s because you always pushed us to be more than we could imagine. You pushed us to show everyone what were made of, to show ourselves… what were made of. All three of us, we wouldn’t be the same people if it weren’t for you. I get my inner strength, my passion for life and the hunger for creativity from you. You are so creative and you have a very beautiful mind. You always know what to do in a situation and I absolutely love that about you. You always taught us to keep moving forward, not to dwell on what we have lost. Life is moving right before our eyes. You were always so young at heart, wanting to get the most out of life. We definitely didn’t see eye to eye when I was younger but as I got older, I promise you… I understood every decision you made. You did it because you care, more than any other mom I know. When I was a little girl, I use to wish that I could trade you in for a different mom because I never did what I was told, and now I realize that I wouldn’t trade you for the world. I’m sorry I was so difficult, it was hard being second best. I soon realized I was never second best. You had so much love to give, and you gave us the world. You seriously gave us the everything and I just hope I can give it back someday. You remind me so much of Safta, you both have a fearless heart. Now I know where I get the whole don’t do as I’m told from. You always taught us to stand up for what we believe in and let our voice be heard. You taught us to work hard in life because nothing will ever be handed to us. You taught me what it means to appreciate before the chance is lost. You’re such an amazing woman and I truly am lucky to call you my mom.

The other night, when you told me that you support me… I don’t think I’ve ever heard more beautiful words than those. I know you want what’s best for me but I also want you to know that you’ve taught me a lot in life and I’m going to take that knowledge and make good decisions in my life. I am who I am because of you, and thank you for everything you do for me. I hope that you are happy in life because it makes me happy to see you happy. I love you mom, and I’m very thankful for you.

(10) thunder thighs.

Dear legs,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being ashamed of you all these years. I’m sorry for hiding you all through middle school, high school and part of college. I’m sorry for pulling your skin while having a very gross look on my face. I’m sorry for calling you names like cankles, sausage links, fat midget legs, and thunder thighs. I’m sorry for talking bad about you and letting everyone call you names. I’m sorry for eating so badly all those years, you were the one who suffered through it. I’m sorry for not doing any sports or continuing with dance, I’m the one who was lazy… not you. I’m sorry for not loving you for who you are, or being proud of you. You do so much for me, and I took you for granted. You take me places that I wouldn’t be able to go without you, you stand tall and strong even with the extra fat that pulls you down. Which is my fault, and I never took responsibility for that, I always just blamed hereditary and dad’s side of the family but I was in denial. You always had such potential but I never gave you a chance to shine. I never gave you a chance to break free and show the world how beautiful you really are. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for suddenly flipping your world upside down and going from doing nothing to intense workouts every single morning. I should have been exercising your beauty from the beginning but I was stupid. I’m sorry for putting you through endless burning squats and hour long sessions on the stair master. I’m sorry for putting you on that horrible treadmill that squeaked every time you put a foot forward, you didn’t deserve that.

That has all changed now, I just wanted to show you that I’m thankful for you. I wear shorts and dresses like there’s no tomorrow because I want to show you off. I say good things about you because of all the hard work you’ve put in. I eat healthier so you don’t have to suffer at the gym. It’s a balance. Even though I still make you work hard when we workout together, it’s only to make you stronger. It’s only to let you reach your full potential and be beautiful all on your own. I don’t care what anyone says, you’re beautiful. You were made to walk this earth with pride, strength and thunder. I grab the fat that is around you and smile because I know now that it doesn’t rule my life, it is pure motivation. I’ve learned not to take you for granted because there are those who don’t have theirs, so thank you for not giving up on me. I love you just the way you are. Thank you for everything, you’re one hell of a champ.

-Natalie

(9) I’m cheating on my boyfriend.

With the gym. Very much apart of my 30 thank yous, I fell in love with the gym about eleven months ago. It’s not the gym that I look forward to every morning, it’s the feeling I get the minute I leave the gym. That feeling that only the gym can give me. This high, this deep euphoric high. I get happiness strength and I feel complete all in one session. It’s just me, the beat running through my headphones and a challenge. I’m in a completely different world, I’m a completely different person when I’m there. I feel like I can take over the world… and no one can stop me. I feel like I’m a professional dancer with a bangin’ body whose doing her usual at the gym. I feel like I have lungs made of steel. I feel like I’m on top of the world. Working out is me time, it’s my prozac, and the perfect moment to finish every train of thought I left unfinished. I go to the gym, for me. I sweat my balls off doing an hour on the stairmaster, for me. And I keep coming back, FOR ME.

I don’t consider myself fat but I never was one to love my body. I fooled everyone and myself into thinking that I did love my body because I wanted to show everyone that you can still be out of shape and love your body. Who was I kidding? I was completely unhappy and it affected every aspect of my life. I couldn’t be who I truly was on the inside because the way I looked on the outside wasn’t me. I wanted people to see natalie, not the love handles, the thunder thighs or the huge cheeks that have suddenly grown over time.

It’s always a picture that makes you realize… it’s time. I did a double take at the picture and couldn’t even recognize the girl in it. A lot of people look at me like I’m crazy when I talk about how my issues with my body affects me but they don’t understand that because I’m short, any extra weight makes everything look bigger than it should be. It was never about how people viewed me that bothered me, I use to wear the same sweater every day in seventh grade. Don’t ask me why. I never really cared what anyone thought. It was that it simply wasn’t who I was inside. After being so fed up, I finally made a vow to treat my body with respect, to acknowledge that it works hard so it can keep me healthy, so why wouldn’t I work hard to not feed it straight crap? It was very difficult at first but I was so motivated that I actually started off strong and kept going strong. It was never easy for me to work out. I’ve had asthma since I was born, I couldn’t run to save my life because my lungs wouldn’t even let me… but the more I worked out, the stronger I got. I was able to work out harder every time I stepped into the gym and I got stronger physically and emotionally. I was falling in love with my body, and the person I was becoming. I now tend to always put the gym first because I’m so afraid of going back to that girl that I don’t quite know. That girl who was unhappy with who she was. That is far from who I am now.

Keeping an active lifestyle helped me learn what it was to set a goal, work hard for it and reach it. After being able to reach goals I made for myself, it made me realize that if I truly put my all into it, I can do anything. Losing weight and keeping it off is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do but it truly is all in the mind. Self control, is key. The biggest gain I got from the whole experience is self control and I couldn’t be more thankful. I still have a long way to go to reach the body I want, but it was definitely the fitting into high school jeans, the fact that people noticed all my hard work, and the two week long wearing of the little black shorts that took place in summer… that kept me going. I had so much support around me and I definitely am thankful for that too. The new lifestyle I grew into taught me a lot about myself and how people view others. My own mom even started being nicer to me. We’ve had our rough times and one day it changed all because a change I made in my life. I remember like it was yesterday… She took one look at me, at my body and told me she was proud of me. I looked her straight in the eyes and told her with a smile, I wish I started working out since I popped right out of your vagina. It’s hard when people are overweight but knowing that I did something about it leaves me with no sympathy for anyone else because I KNOW that they can do it. I KNOW that they are capable of being just as strong. It’s all in the mind… and they just have to wake up and realize that because no one else can but themselves.

Strength is such a huge part of my life. Inner strength and outer strength. The fact that I can gain that from the gym, it makes me so addicted to it. It’s important to me to feel good, work hard for what I want and most importantly be healthy… all because I pushed and motivated myself. No one can do this for me but me. I have to want it in order to make it happen. Not going to lie, I wish I had the perfect body and didn’t have to step one foot in the gym but I’m so proud of myself of what I accomplished. I saw strength in me that I never experienced before. I’m not just thankful for the privilege of going to the gym or even the strength to do so, I’m incredibly thankful for the ability to change. To change the things I’m able to change, to improve, and to be given such a beautiful bodacious body but an ability to change it for the better.

“nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” -Kate Moss

amen to that.

(8) a gift of God.

If you’ve just stumbled across this blog, and have no clue why this adorable face is what you’re looking at, head over to the first thank you post and it will make perfect sense. You don’t realize how precious life is or how much love you still have in you to give until you watch another life grow. Until you fully put another life before yourself. Now, I don’t exactly know what that’s like since I haven’t experienced it yet but the minute I see those big brown eyes, my heart… it literally melts. I want to just put super glue all over my arms and wrap my arms around him and never let him go. Heck, never let him grow…he’s just too cute.

I wouldn’t be who I am, without my sister. So to have a life so close to hers enter this family is just beyond words. Jonathan has changed each and every one of us in a different way. It was always interesting to me to think about how you can love a new soul, a new little human being without even knowing a single thing about them. Well how would you of course? They don’t even know a single thing about them… or what they’re going to become. But that instant connection between a mother and the child is beyond any other connection. A connection that doesn’t need lunch dates or sharing secrets. It’s a connection that changes who you are inside. I never could imagine my sister having a baby, she’s quite the kid at heart. I’m not sure if any mother is truly ready when their baby enters this world, regardless of how many books they read, how many classes they took or even how many experiences were shared between friends. None the less, Jonathan was the best thing to ever happen to my sister .. through my eyes and I’m very thankful for that. The name Jonathan in Hebrew means a gift of God, my sister named him Jonathan because he truly was a gift of God…trust me. I love him like my own and I can’t wait to see him grow, to see him take in the world and go far in life. He’s got so much personality for such a young age and I can already see my sister in him, and that’s my favorite part. With parents like his, he’s going to be one ambitious, smart, crazy little Jew.

just wait a second!

I have too much on my mind. All the time. My mind is running on a treadmill, sometimes I feel like what’s going on around me cannot keep up with my mind. I can’t sleep at night, my thoughts keep me up. The minute I do fall asleep, my thoughts wake me up. There isn’t a moment where I have a clear mind. My mind is in thought-overload. There is just so much being thought about. They’re not necessarily worries or doubts. They’re simply inspirations. Is it possible to have too much inspiration? Can’t believe I just said that. I’m pretty sure my mind thinks it can super multitask but it’s about to find out I don’t have super powers. I try to write things down on paper so that maybe it will free some space up there but then new thoughts step right in as if they’ve been waiting in line. Its like just wait a second! I need a break. Sometimes this is a great thing. I have so many inspirational creative crap going on in my head and I can create great things. But then without asking me, they decided to just slowly merge together. Just become one jumbled messy thought. Im going to go learn how to meditate. If you know how…. help.

keep in mind.

You don’t have a soul, you are a soul. You have a body.

-C.S Lewis

meraki. (actually, I can)

THIS IS MY 100TH POST! JUST THOUGHT I’D LET YOU KNOW. :)

 

You tell me I’m wrong, you tell me I’ll fail. You tell me I won’t go anywhere, and you simply tell me I can’t.

Actually, I can.

I felt very inspired for today’s meraki. When I think of why I felt so inspired when I woke up, one word came to mind. Strength. Strength to push it in one ear out the other, strength to keep moving forward, and strength to never give up. They’ll try to push you down and tell you that you won’t make it. I’m so fed up with people telling me I’m not good enough with just a glance at my face, my transcript or resume. I’ve accepted that life works like a cycle. You try, you fail, fail again, fail some more, and then you win… but then you fail again. I have no problem working hard for what I want or failing a million times before I win because it only makes me stronger. It only makes me work harder for what I want and when I do win, it will make perfect sense because everything happens for a reason.

I’m sure you’ve had this happen to you in one way or another and you ended up believing them or doing the complete opposite regardless if you believed in yourself.

Wake up. Believe in yourself. If you think you’ll never be able to do it, you won’t get to where you want to be. You’ll never know if you don’t try. Let go. Stop living in the past, let it assist you in the future but don’t let it rule your present. Don’t listen to what anyone says, you can.. and you will. Eating out of the palm of their hands will just lead you to living someone else’s life, not your own. And I promise you, you won’t be happy. Remember who you are and don’t let anyone change that. Keep your head up. Always keep moving forward. If you constantly let yourself stay down when you’ve been pushed down… you’ll never have the mentality that you can get up. GET UP. STAY UP. You can do anything. You can be anything. Push yourself. Push your limits. Get out of that fucking comfort zone. And don’t ever go back. Take risks. Make mistakes. Live and learn, because it will make you that much stronger. Don’t try to change things that are out of your control, accept it, and move on. Dwelling on it will only keep you down. GET UP. STAY UP. You can change the world. Whether its your world, or someone who needs a little change. Don’t chase your dreams, create them. Put up a fight. Put up a good fight. Fight for what you believe in. Speak up, the quiet go unnoticed. Expect the worst, hope for the best. Not everything goes as planned but don’t let that keep you down. GET UP. STAY UP. You’re going to fail. A million times. But then, you’re going to win. And it will be the most powerful feeling. Don’t take it for granted, let that fuel your drive and passion for going far. Be different. Be unique. Take criticism. People know what they’re talking about (sometimes). Don’t dwell on other people’s cruel intentions or hurtful words, they’re bored. Those people don’t know what they’re talking about (all the time). Don’t let anyone’s criticism change who you are. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re nothing. You’re beyond nothing, You’re human. We don’t give ourselves enough credit. Don’t regret. Oh man, DO NOT regret. A head full of regrets will only keep you down. GET UP. STAY UP. You have one life, one chance. Don’t take it for granted. Happiness comes easier than you think. Create happiness, don’t wait around for it to come find you. Open your mind. Open your heart. Open your soul. You wont get anywhere with closed doors. Learn as much as you can. Take everything in that this world has to offer. Knowledge is power. Have a passion, and always create. Create life, create love, create the world. Reach for the stars because even if you only get a piece of the sky, you’ve done more than doing nothing at all. Don’t feel sorry for yourself. You have everything compared to some. You are blessed, you are privileged. More the reason to try hard, to go far. What is stopping you? You, are stopping you. You won’t get anywhere with an ‘I can’t attitude’. You’ll get somewhere with an ‘Actually, I can.’

(7) three.

Right on time. Three years ago today I fell. I fell hard.

On November 07 2007, I was asked to be taken. I didn’t think I would be taken with the same person three years later. No…seriously. But I honestly wouldn’t have changed a thing. They all say that. But I’m saying it, and I’m meaning it.

I’ve gained a new annoyance. I want to say it’s how much people judge but it’s a little more particular than that. I can’t stand when other people judge other relationships. Yeah I’m going there. You have no idea what goes on in another person’s relationship. You think you do, but you don’t. You see what you want to see and you only see what’s on the outside. There’s a whole world behind the scenes that you can’t imagine possible. Whether it’s the endless fights and the ridiculous name calling or it’s the endless laughs and the ridiculous terms of endearment. Thankfully, whether you would like to believe me or not… I honestly can’t say it’s the endless fights and the  ridiculous name calling for me. Me and him, we go well together. I don’t need a half to make me whole, but we complete each other on a different level.

If you haven’t noticed already, I don’t talk about my relationship very much on this blog and if I do, I stay as vague as I can. I’m a true believer of keeping your personal business to yourself. The more I talk, the more you judge. It’s not even anyone’s business to what goes on in my life, and it’s not my business to what goes on in yours. It’s just frustrating how quickly one judges. I’ve come to terms that it is a humanly thing to do, and I accept that. I subliminally judge all the time, but I don’t really care what your actions are in your life. I’m not the one living it. If I speak highly and frequently of my relationship then… ‘I’m too attached, I’ve fallen too quickly, I have no idea what I’m talking about because I’m young and silly and blah blah BLAH.’ If I rarely speak of my relationship and am completely vague about it then … ‘I’m not in love, I’m wasting my time, I’m just in it because it’s comfort, I just want a boyfriend but not really in love with the one I have because I”m not showing how much I truly am in love and blah blah BLAHHHH’. This gets old, fast. I’m so sick of people judging and hanging on my every word. MAKE UP YOUR MIND PEOPLE. That is why I just decide to not speak of my relationship at all. Again, none of anyone’s business but mine.

But since it is my three year anniversary today and number seven of part of my 30 Thank Yous project, I’m going to give you the gushiest, mushiest most vomiting worthy love post I’ve ever written. Judge away people, judge away.

I’m in love. Yeah I said it. I don’t revolve my entire life around my relationship but he means more to me than my words can describe. I’m head over heels in love, and I’ve never felt so comfortable in my life. Is that a crime? Trust me, I can leave at any time.. oh you just judged right there didn’t you? ‘No she can’t.. shes clearly too comfortable to leave.’ You don’t know me? You don’t know how strong my heart is. My dad left me, and I’m capable of leaving just as fast. It really is a cycle. ‘Oh she’s not really in love, she’s keeping a distance because she was left in the past.’ Oh bite me.

Scott is one of the funniest people I know and there literally isn’t a moment I’m not laughing when I’m with him. He always puts me first and if you know him, you know he is one of the nicest guys God has ever created. No joke. He always is willing to do things for me, to make me happy, to make sure I’m comfortable. He is one of the most unselfish human beings I’ve ever met. It sounds like I’m exaggerating, but I’m not. He loves me for me. And if you know me, you know I’m straight nuts. Crazy. Out of the loony bin. And he puts up with it every single day. Why? Oh maybe because he loves me? I don’t know.. just a thought. Did I mention he’s hilarious? My favorite part? The moment I get angry or ready to argue because of the Israeli that I am, he immediately puts out the fire. Whether it’s with making me laugh, comforting me with his logical words, or simply that smile I’m crazy about. Speaking of logical. We complete each other. He’s the logical one, the one who makes the smart decisions and thinks before he acts while I’m the psycho who listens to her heart and goes with every decision that sounds fun. Were the best team. He truly is one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. You can’t see it on the outside but he has a very strong heart and an even stronger mind. He doesn’t always know what to say because being a girl, I’m never satisfied but in the end… he makes perfect sense. He’s the best kisser I’ve ever kissed. Vomit yet? I don’t care, la la la la :) It truly is the little things that make my relationship so great. It flabbergasts me how much he cares, how big his heart is and how much love he can give. I can go on and on but you get the gist, He makes me happy. Simple as that.

Every relationship has it’s ups and downs, every relationships has it’s pointless fights but how can we appreciate happiness if we don’t experience the other side first? How can we show we care if we don’t fight for what we believe in. Every thing happens for a reason, I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, where Scott will be or even where I’ll be but I do know one thing. I’m living right now, and I’m beyond happy right now. That is what matters to me most. Were so busy living in our pasts, and worrying about the future… we forget about whats going on right here, right now.

I love you Scott Serrantino, and I’m very thankful for you. I don’t care what anyone thinks, this is my life and I am the one living it. Happy 3 year anniversary.

(6) chewy.

Yap. Yap. Yap.

Isn’t that the first thought that comes to your mind when you see a chihuahua? I understand… completely.

Chewy Zigdon. 8 years old. One hell of a princess.

I begged my mom for a dog since I could speak. The answer was always no, but that didn’t stop me. It wasn’t until my Bat Mitzvah that I was united with Chewy. If you don’t have a dog.. and I’m not saying pet. I’m not saying a cat, or a fish, or a turtle. If you don’t have a dog, you honestly have no idea what the bond is like between a dog and yourself. They’re not selfish, they’re not manipulative and they don’t hold grudges. Oh wait, did I just describe a human? They give you the most unconditional love because they don’t know any better. Sometimes that’s the one thing you need when you’re just having the most ridiculous day and the minute you walk through the door they make you feel like you’re loved exactly for who you are. Isn’t that what we all want? To love and be loved? Humans complicate that at times and dogs make it so simple. I’m not saying I’m going to go run away with my dog because she can’t talk back or tell me what to do but it’s a nice change at times. Chewy makes me feel right at home. Even though she is quite the little princess, it’s crazy how much personality she has. It’s crazy how responsive she is to emotions. It’s simply crazy how attached I am to my dog. I sound like a crazy dog lady but I can’t help it :) I’m thankful for chewy, she really has been one of the best additions to my life.

(5) the cello man.

My mind was wandering. I was hoping for a better tomorrow because the worries of today brought me felt heavy on my heart. I felt so disconnected from the world, but that is the only way I learn. I was scribbling in the black book that I carry around with me…just in case my mind feels like it needs to release. Release itself from reality and drop deep down into fantasy. A world I can create for my own. Writing is my escape, my far… far away. As the words on the page started to grow into one huge caterpillar line, I decide my mind needed a rest. I wanted to fall into someone else’s fantasy. I looked around in hope of an interesting thought provoker but I found nothing worthy. I saw a three asian girls to my left who looked like they dabbled in harajuku and I noticed a man on my right who had his tie on too strong, dark circles under his eyes, and was in desperate need to get laid. I took my eyes off of him because I felt weird staring for too long, especially when it wasn’t a fantasy I wanted to fall into. As I was just about to put my words onto the paper, something caught my eye. A beautiful man was walking by, one of the most beautiful I’ve ever seen. He had long golden curls and very gorgeous hazel eyes. He looked like he just came back from a mix of a bad job interview and a sunday brunch. None the less, he had a certain glow to him that I couldn’t quite figure out. I could even notice his strong hands from where I was standing. He was caring a cello case with him and by the way he walked, it seemed like it just wasn’t his day.

There were so many thoughts in my head, I wanted to get it all down on paper before it left me but I couldn’t tear my eyes away. I was curious to where this cello man was heading, where he came from and what journey he has been on. I was minutes away from walking up to him and asking him about his life story. Thankfully saving me from doing so, the cello man set his case down. He kneeled down to free the clasps from a cello that was simply dying to break free. He pulled out this large, elegant instrument in the middle of this lifeless crowd and began. Began to free, began to create, began to play. I then, fell. I fell deeply into the cello man’s fantasy. I could feel nothing around me besides the sweet harmony he was filling the air with. I closed my eyes and let the melody fill my entire body, each stroke the cello man made took me deeper. I’ve never experienced such beauty in another person’s fantasy world. I never fully enter the world because I did not create it, I only invaded it… letting my imagination see what it chooses to see. I wanted to lay there for hours and let this man serenade me with the passion he was holding in his arms. I open my eyes to see him play, to see if my eyes feel the same thing my ears did. The cello man had the most beautiful radiance releasing from his fingertips. I physically saw the sounds being played like vivid colors on a canvas. I could feel his heart beat with every sound he created, so strong yet so peaceful. I not only was falling deeply in love with the beautiful melody but I was also falling deeply in love with the cello man’s passion for it. He could have explained to me with the most powerful words about how much he loves creating such beautiful music, but nothing will ever compare to him creating it right before me. A that very moment, I felt one with the music, the cello, and the cello man’s passion.

Passion is what I live for. This entire blog, revolves around passion and inspiration. It is apart of who we are, and gives us a chance to create ourselves. I’m so so thankful for the passion in my life… it is the one thing that always feels right, makes sense and throws me my floaties when I feel like I’m drowning. Passion lives through the things we love, we give those things passion when we find beauty in it.  I felt so connected to the cello man because he was releasing himself through song. My passion for writing is beyond words and is the biggest extension of who I am. After the cello man went on his way I sat there and thought, without trying, do I inspire? Do I reveal my passion by simply doing what I love? I hope that when someone reads my words that they feel the same passion that I do when writing them. I don’t want you to just fall in love with my words or what they’re trying to portray, I want you to fall in love with my passion for words. Once you have fallen, you are able to go create your own fantasy world. You’re more than welcome to invade mine, anytime.