With the gym. Very much apart of my 30 thank yous, I fell in love with the gym about eleven months ago. It’s not the gym that I look forward to every morning, it’s the feeling I get the minute I leave the gym. That feeling that only the gym can give me. This high, this deep euphoric high. I get happiness strength and I feel complete all in one session. It’s just me, the beat running through my headphones and a challenge. I’m in a completely different world, I’m a completely different person when I’m there. I feel like I can take over the world… and no one can stop me. I feel like I’m a professional dancer with a bangin’ body whose doing her usual at the gym. I feel like I have lungs made of steel. I feel like I’m on top of the world. Working out is me time, it’s my prozac, and the perfect moment to finish every train of thought I left unfinished. I go to the gym, for me. I sweat my balls off doing an hour on the stairmaster, for me. And I keep coming back, FOR ME.
I don’t consider myself fat but I never was one to love my body. I fooled everyone and myself into thinking that I did love my body because I wanted to show everyone that you can still be out of shape and love your body. Who was I kidding? I was completely unhappy and it affected every aspect of my life. I couldn’t be who I truly was on the inside because the way I looked on the outside wasn’t me. I wanted people to see natalie, not the love handles, the thunder thighs or the huge cheeks that have suddenly grown over time.
It’s always a picture that makes you realize… it’s time. I did a double take at the picture and couldn’t even recognize the girl in it. A lot of people look at me like I’m crazy when I talk about how my issues with my body affects me but they don’t understand that because I’m short, any extra weight makes everything look bigger than it should be. It was never about how people viewed me that bothered me, I use to wear the same sweater every day in seventh grade. Don’t ask me why. I never really cared what anyone thought. It was that it simply wasn’t who I was inside. After being so fed up, I finally made a vow to treat my body with respect, to acknowledge that it works hard so it can keep me healthy, so why wouldn’t I work hard to not feed it straight crap? It was very difficult at first but I was so motivated that I actually started off strong and kept going strong. It was never easy for me to work out. I’ve had asthma since I was born, I couldn’t run to save my life because my lungs wouldn’t even let me… but the more I worked out, the stronger I got. I was able to work out harder every time I stepped into the gym and I got stronger physically and emotionally. I was falling in love with my body, and the person I was becoming. I now tend to always put the gym first because I’m so afraid of going back to that girl that I don’t quite know. That girl who was unhappy with who she was. That is far from who I am now.
Keeping an active lifestyle helped me learn what it was to set a goal, work hard for it and reach it. After being able to reach goals I made for myself, it made me realize that if I truly put my all into it, I can do anything. Losing weight and keeping it off is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do but it truly is all in the mind. Self control, is key. The biggest gain I got from the whole experience is self control and I couldn’t be more thankful. I still have a long way to go to reach the body I want, but it was definitely the fitting into high school jeans, the fact that people noticed all my hard work, and the two week long wearing of the little black shorts that took place in summer… that kept me going. I had so much support around me and I definitely am thankful for that too. The new lifestyle I grew into taught me a lot about myself and how people view others. My own mom even started being nicer to me. We’ve had our rough times and one day it changed all because a change I made in my life. I remember like it was yesterday… She took one look at me, at my body and told me she was proud of me. I looked her straight in the eyes and told her with a smile, I wish I started working out since I popped right out of your vagina. It’s hard when people are overweight but knowing that I did something about it leaves me with no sympathy for anyone else because I KNOW that they can do it. I KNOW that they are capable of being just as strong. It’s all in the mind… and they just have to wake up and realize that because no one else can but themselves.
Strength is such a huge part of my life. Inner strength and outer strength. The fact that I can gain that from the gym, it makes me so addicted to it. It’s important to me to feel good, work hard for what I want and most importantly be healthy… all because I pushed and motivated myself. No one can do this for me but me. I have to want it in order to make it happen. Not going to lie, I wish I had the perfect body and didn’t have to step one foot in the gym but I’m so proud of myself of what I accomplished. I saw strength in me that I never experienced before. I’m not just thankful for the privilege of going to the gym or even the strength to do so, I’m incredibly thankful for the ability to change. To change the things I’m able to change, to improve, and to be given such a beautiful bodacious body but an ability to change it for the better.
“nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” -Kate Moss
amen to that.
